Depravity Sucks...Good Thing There's Jesus

Sometimes, my heart feels like it's breaking. We've all experienced heart ache from various causes. Maybe your dog died. Maybe your boyfriend turned out to be an inconsiderate jerk - who knew what was hiding behind that great head of hair? Maybe a loved one is being shipped half way across the world to protect your freedom and the freedom of those who don't quite appreciate him. As for me? I get caught up in my own depravity. I struggle with my past sins and the sins that I know I will inevitably commit. We are a fallen creation. We are not perfect. Our only hope is in Christ. Sometimes, I just feel sad that I can't be everything my Jesus deserves. It breaks my heart that I can't go a day without wanting what I don't have, judging someone's terrible fashion decisions, or anything else that is conveniently not coming to mind.

Do you ever just feel helpless? I was feeling that was earlier today. It's a feeling that never really goes away. It just sort of hangs out, buried deep down somewhere. It'll pop up at times when I'm feeling tired or annoyed or sad for some other reason. Today, it came on quickly. And today, it also sort of makes me angry at myself. I know that no matter how hard I try, I'll never quite be able to be completely pleasing to my Jesus 100% of the time. I felt broken down and weak.

About a month ago, my dear friend, whom I've known since 1st grade, lent me a copy of My Utmost for His Highest. I read it a bit and really enjoyed it. As with most books I borrow, however, after a couple of weeks, it laid all but forgotten next to my Kindle. Except today. Tonight as I was listening to Crowder and praying (writing in my journal...it helps me keep my thoughts cohesive), I thought of that little book. So after Jesus and I had finished discussion my latest crises, I picked up the book and turned to today's reading. And I was reminded of my worth.

God, in His infinite wisdom, created us knowing full-well that we would be exactly what we are. As Crowder says, "There's darkness in my skin...". God knew we'd separate ourselves from Him. But chose to breathe life into our unworthy lungs anyways. I was reminded as I read Oswald Chambers musings that I am not here to feel good about myself. I'm not here to wallow in my own self-pity. Yes. I'm depraved. Okay. Move on. We are the most effective for the Kingdom when we are just living our lives. We're going to mess up. Yet, as Mr. Chambers so thoughtfully reminded me, "Blessed are the poor in spirit..." (Matthew 5: 3). I was reminded THEN of a series at my church in Auburn on the Beatitudes. When Jesus says "blessed", he means, "I am with you!" So when we come to a point where we feel spiritually drained, Jesus is there! Blessed are we in those times!

No, we will never be able to be everything that Jesus deserves in his followers. This is where mercy and grace come in. I forget this part too often. He gives us strength in our weakness. He fulfills us and makes us perfect in him. If we could make ourselves perfect, we'd have no need for the beautiful love of Christ. Next time I think about having a pity party, I will do well to remember that we are the biggest impact on this world when we aren't evaluating our worth, when I'm not wondering if I'm making any difference at all.

My job in this life is to live and carry the Name. It's really not all that complicated. I'll let Jesus worry about the rest.

Sometimes, God Asks Me to Put It in Reverse...

...Perhaps I should consult Him before I make plans.

So much has happened since I last spoke with you. On a completely related note, I hope to be more mindful in regularly posting. I'm so forgetful sometimes. But I spent a couple of hours revamping the blog. I hope you like the new look. Moving on...

I started a job in January at a local high school. When I accepted the job, I was so sure that it was going to be very internship-esque in nature. By that, I mean that I would come in, teach, and leave after my time was served. You see, my position was temporary. Only a semester long but long enough to put another bullet on my resume which was fine by me. But something happened... Overnight, before I had a chance to blink, I fell in love. I was completely enchanted by this little school. The students were respectful with wonderful senses of humor. The faculty embraced me with open arms. And the principal reminded me of my father.

Come May, I was growing depressed. I began to pray that God would help me find a school just like the wonderful place I had so quickly fallen in love with. I hoped against hope that they would be able to keep me around. But, alas, the day came when the administration approached my classroom door. I looked into the principal's eyes and asked, "It's time. Isn't it?" He replied with a meek, "Yes, Miss Dickerson. It is."

As I sat in my classroom looking into the eyes of two men I had grown to respect, I suddenly felt like a dark cloud was over me because I didn't know what was going to happen. Would I find another job? Would I love it as much as this one? And for any of you wondering, my pink slip was not pink. It was green. Highly disappointing? Yes. Still completely unwelcome? Absolutely.

So life has moved on since then. I was offered a job 3 hours from home. I accepted only to later resign after being approved by the Board. I still feel guilty about that. But between my pink slip and my resignation, something happened.

I chaperoned church camp for the youth at my church. It was in Dayton, TN at Bryan College. The camp was called New Camp. To be honest, I had a horrible attitude going in. I didn't really want to be there. And, honestly, at that point it was sort of a disappointing last hoo-rah for me since I still believed I would be moving 3 hours away to a job I had to convince myself I wanted. I would have much rather gone to our old church camp...at the beach.

It was a typical church camp in the woods. I was a glorified kid wrangler called a "rec leader" and led a huddle group of 16-18 year olds. There was a band with a speaker and some under-seasoned food. On the outside, it was all quite mediocre. It's what happened in my heart that made all the difference in the world.

The band leader, Erik Bledsoe, during a particularly passionate prayer said, "Thank you, God, for wrecking my plans." The control freak in me had a stroke. More on this later...

God showed me on the second night there that maybe everything seemed so dreary and hopeless because I had stopped expecting Him to show up. I was just going through the motions. I was praying and asking for God to bring me happiness, to bring me a job that I loved, to bring me a Godly husband. But I wasn't actually expecting Him to do it. I was convicted.

⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. -James 1: 6-8


Ouch. "Okay, Jesus. I get it." I was then brought to a point that I don't reach very often. God began to show me my depravity. The climax of it hit when a man named Erik Bledsoe sang a song based on the book of Hosea called "Come Back Home". Words cannot describe this song. Look it up. Now.

I began to beg God for reassurance that I was on the right path. And I expected a result. Something felt very off. When I arrived at home on Friday afternoon, I received a phone call from my apartment complex. I no longer had an apartment. This was the very opposite of reassurance. But it was good enough. I called my principal at my new school and resigned. He wasn't happy but I felt so liberated. He also didn't seem to appreciate the fact that I was quitting my job because "I don't think this is the path God wants me to take."

So here I am. I am again unemployed but more in sync with God and His plan for my life. I am more at peace now than I was when I had a job and a plan. So much of this year has been about God wrecking my plans. I make plans and God knocks them down. Six months ago, I would have been a total basket-case right here in this moment. But Christ in me makes me strong. I have nothing. I am nothing. I am zero without Jesus.

I know that God has a plan for me. As of yet, I am uninformed of said plan. I am learning to find hope in the unknown. Jesus could literally take me half way around the world between now and next week. Anything is possible. When we make ourselves available to be used by Jesus, that is when victories are won. When we expect Christ to deliver, He does. If we don't show up expecting to find Jesus, we won't. Faith is not about saying and praying one thing and displaying an attitude that illustrates something else. Faith is about hoping in what we cannot see. Jesus is at work all around us. Do we chose to believe it?

-M

Inconsistency...It's What I Do Best

Hello again to anyone who might be reading. So much has changed since I spoke with you last. See that? How I talk to you like you're a dear friend? (Because, truthfully, if you are a friend of Jesus, you are a friend of mine.)

Graduation has come and gone. The Christmas season is past - with my first ever White Christmas, might I add. I rang in the New Year with my closest and dearest friends. Then, I had a life changing experience. I went to Passion in Atlanta with my College group. I have been before so the going to said conference was not the most significant thing to happen. The following, however, is.

I must start by saying that because I'm so inconsistent with updating this blog, each time I post, I go back and read what I've previously written to y'all (assuming there's more than just me reading this). Now the fun part begins...

While at Passion this year, I experienced Christ, learned so much, and got taken to the "holy woodshed" more than I ever have before. Jesus really did a number on me this time. It was one of those conferences where you feel like every speaker is talking directly to you. Picture Louie Giglio standing on the stage at the Phillips Arena saying, "______, your God has a name and his name is Jesus." I experienced that over and over for four days. And this brings me to my first point...

I have always considered myself - since salvation, at least - to be a "God-fearing person". On the final morning of Passion, Louie was talking about Paul carrying the Name of Jesus where ever he went. Then, I realized right in the middle of the talk...I hardly ever say the name Jesus. Why is that? I spent the next 20 minutes of the talk wracking my brain for how many times I've ever said Jesus in a conversation. Outside of using it sarcastically (i.e., Friend, Jesus doesn't like it when you miss church.), I can't say that I ever really say His name. Then, I began to wonder why? Am I ashamed? Do I think it's uncool? Does it feel weird coming out of my mouth? I still can't answer that question. That morning, I learned that no matter where we go, no matter what we do, our sole purpose is to carry the Name of Jesus in whatever way we are able. To McDonalds, flipping burgers. To Wells Fargo, counting money. To West Morgan High School, teaching social studies. To Gigi's, making cupcakes. To Passion City Church, leading worship. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter where you go as long as you carry the Name. There it was. A major "lightbulb" moment. I needed that. It's almost like Jesus knew what I needed...Weird...

[Please note the sarcasm in that last statement. Okay, moving on...]

As I've previously confessed, I have control issues. I have to know everything about everything. This makes me a worrier. And the fact that I just graduated from college and I had some lame job that I hated (but now realize that it didn't actually matter how I felt about it as long as I carried the Name), just made things worse. I was so worried about my future. It clouded my every waking thought. However, with a large dose of David Platt, a dash of Beth Moore, a pinch of Andy Stanley, and a bucket load of prayer, I am learning to find hope in the unknown. If you know me, this is huge for me. PRAISE JESUS. David Platt talked about sacrifice - giving up everything (coughFUTUREcough) for Christ because He demands radical sacrifice. The lovely Beth Moore spoke on the renewing of the mind, thinking about old things in new ways. And, finally, Andy Stanley addressed appetites (my longing for, ahem, success).

There in the Philips Arena, as David Crowder's music bounced off the walls, suddenly, I felt peace come over me. I knew that everything was going to be okay. I belong to the Savior of the world. The only man I would ever give up my life - and my future - for.

Now, a little over a month later, I'm learning to live out my new epiphanies. Jesus showed me so much at Passion. Though I'm not on the "spiritual high" I had when I returned from Atlanta, I am growing closer to Jesus and constantly reminding myself that Jesus calls us to a life of radical sacrifice - which means that I now think twice before buying those $70 Lucky Brand Jeans. I'm also reminding myself, and asking Jesus to remind me to carry His Name. Because at the end of the day, at the close of my life, whether I finally find my husband, or whether I live in some old house with 13 cats, I will ask myself one question, have I lived in a way that will glorify the One who gave me life? Did I live a life that bore witness to my calling? Did I carry HIS NAME?

-M

Letting Go

Dear friends, I am a control freak. There it is. I'm putting it out there for all of the world to see. I don't exactly hide it but I don't generally go around, well, blogging about it either. Not having control over any aspect of my day, my dinner, my coffee, my life really makes me uncomfortable. I need to know everything about everything concerning my life.

Since accepting Christ in 2006, I find that this is the most difficult thing for me to do. I have struggled with it to the point of exhaustion. We - my Jesus and I - go through this vicious cycle of me trying to run my life to giving up and letting Him. Somehow, each time I seem to steal back aspects of my life little by little. Before I know it, I'm weeping on my knees because I have AGAIN placed the weight of the world on my own shoulders. How in the world do I continue to do this?

This should be the part where I tell you that I have overcome this obstacle, that I have finally relinquished control to my Heavenly Father, that I live free of any burden, that I have accepted that I have no control and am a better Follower for doing so. To say all of those things would be a terrible lie. I am struggling with it. Now, more than ever. I constantly fight for control of the things that make up my life and I can't explain why. It is the cross that I bear, my biggest struggle. The horrible thing is that I didn't see a problem with it for a very long time.

Jesus wants us to give Him control because he cares about us more than our minds could ever conceive. He wants to take up our burdens so that we never face the world alone. Not only that but He also points out that worrying does us no good. I, for one, have noticed the worrying goes hand-in-hand with being a control freak. How, then, is this issue relevant to my life currently? Let me just give you the rundown...

Graduation is upon us. Moving back in with parents. Brothers at basic training. Leaving a town I love. Leaving people I love. Not knowing what to expect back home. Realizing I thought I would be married by now. Giving up independence. Desperately searching for a job. Scraping together money so as not to relinquish afore mentioned independence. Wondering if I have found a possibility. Having no control over the emotions of others. Not knowing what the future holds.

The final issue is the most prominent and really sums up all the rest. I always hate not knowing. I'm the girl who starts a book trilogy on Monday and finishes by Wednesday because I just have to know. I sleep with my television on because I can't see in the dark. Google is my best friend because I JUST HAVE TO KNOW!

As I drove through downtown Auburn tonight after dinner, my friend presented me with a particular diamond of wisdom as the white lights draped in the trees twinkled behind her knowing face, the answer to the struggle that I've had since July. My current situation is a test. I've been praying for patience. The time is now. Will I pass or fail? If I pass, God is glorified, I grow in my Walk, and perhaps I get "something from Ware's", as my beloved Dr. Kicklighter would say. If I fail, then what? God is disappointed in the depraved creature that I am and perhaps I still marry. But what sort of life is a life lived without glorifying Yahweh?

I have come to a crossroads. Will I take the right path, the path where every decision is presented before God before it is made, the path where my every breath drips with praise? Or will I chose wrong? Will I give in to the control freak that I generally have difficulty controlling myself? I guess we'll just wait and see...

-M

Dragged Through the Wringer

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you feel like you're constantly gasping for air? Like you're drowning in some invisible ocean? You're paddling harder and harder but you just keep getting weaker and weaker from exertion. That perfectly describes the week I just had. I'm interning for my final semester at Auburn University. I have more work in my lap now than I ever thought was possible. However, I have to admit that this week from the "Hot Place" was of my own doing.

You see, what happens in the South when the Fall air begins to roll in and the leaves start to change and the humidity begins to lift is a little something I like to call Football Fever. I had it last Saturday. One of the worst cases I've ever had came upon me suddenly even though my to-do list was screaming for attention. I thought to myself, "Self, you've got so much to do...but football is on t.v. ALL DAY!" So I gave myself a little break from my daily grind or drowning in lesson plans to indulge in a little bit of the SEC's most beloved past time. And it was a good day. I ate some ribs that were cooked to perfection by a charming boy from Texas and ate some of my very own specialty, mac and cheese (homemade, of course). Every 30 minutes or so, I'd think about my to-do list and murmur to myself, "It can wait until tomorrow..."

That Sunday began as Sunday's normally do, with a hurried shower and thrown together make-up because I overslept my alarm for church. But I made it, with minutes to spare. Worship was exceptional at church last week so we all ventured out for some lunch with my to-do list still casting a foreboding shadow on my day. I procrastinated as long as possible until I finally just had to - excuse the expression - man up and do it.

I worked. Hard. All afternoon. I unfortunately left several things undone before Monday morning came screeching into my life like a Mack Truck in dire need of some new brake pads. You can probably guess what the rest of my week looked like because you've probably been there too at some point or another. All week, it was eat. work. sleep. eat. work. sleep. eat. work. sleep. I have never wished away a weeks as much as I did last week. But in all of it, how could I be so forgetful? I condensed my quiet time into a mere 5 minutes. I can't help but feel so disappointed in myself.

But then again, that's what happens when we rely on ourselves for our holiness. We are flawed creatures. We are depraved and eternally imperfect in our own efforts. We dig ourselves into this pit of darkness before we can even blink. How dare I forget about my Father? My Jesus gave me Hope, Life, Breath. Am I really so desperately flawed that I forget about Him? The answer, dear friends, is yes.

This past week was so busy that I never stopped to stop saying "I". "I have so much work to do; I have this to get finished." "I have that to turn in by Thursday." When I rely on me, my world gets thrown off kilter. If I had taken just a second to sit down and breathe and let God fill me up the way He always does, I would have realized that I didn't have to do it all by myself. He wants me to ask for help. He wants me to look up at Him like a child and say, "Father, will you please help me?"; "God will you take this from me?"; "My Jesus, will you show me how I can get this finished without jumping off of the balcony of my apartment first?".

I know that I often think of God as this huge creator of everything and then I think of God as the warmth that fills me up with more joy that one person could possibly contain. Why do I so often think of Him separately? He is the same God that created the stars. The Creator of my favorite beach is also the Creator of my soul. The God that formed the Sahara is the same God that chose, in spite of my depravity, to give me hope and a future. Praise Him!

So, I say to you, here's to a new week. May your days be long and productive and your nights be full of laughter and friends. I urge you to never forget that God cares about every part of you - even your broken fingernail. He wants you to talk to Him. So don't repeat my week long mistake. Take the joy that only He gives and let it fill you up this week.

-M

The Pieces of Me

Do you ever feel like there are 400 parts of yourself all being pulled in different directions simultaneously? The closer I get to graduating, the harder those parts are being pulled. It feels so final. Hello, Miss Dickerson! Have a bachelor's degree! Now, decide what you want to do with every moment for the rest of your life... Perhaps, I'm having what could be referred to as a "quarter life crisis". I've barely broken into my 20's and already I'm questioning my life thus far.

The problem that I've been facing as of late is a paralyzing fear of the rest of my life. I'm completely and totally petrified of choosing a path. The odd part of the story is that I never questioned the path that I'm currently on. My entire life, I always wanted to be a teacher. The time has now come to do just that. My internship starts in about 2 weeks. Ready or not, here it comes. In the face of graduation, I stand trembling before God. Where do I go? What do I do now?

Modest Mel has the obvious answer. Move back in with Mom and Dad and find a job close to home teaching history - just like you've always wanted. Marry the guy with the house and the dog. Plant an herb garden in the backyard. Eventually, have a kid or two. Stability is key here. Live the perfect life. Raise perfect children. Attend the perfect church in the perfect town...I can't help but groan a bit when I think of how stable it all is. Where is the challenge? Where's the excitement? Where is the unpredictability?

Merry Mel is a little more care-free with her reply. Move to the big city with your friends. Don't let the college life end! Start a business doing something you love, something you know you'll be good at. Make good money - so much more than teaching! - and travel the world. Who cares if you never find the companionship you're looking for in your future husband. You've got Jesus and you've got your friends and, therefore, all you'll ever need. Buy an old house and fix it up. Plant wildflowers by the mailbox and hang lanterns in the back garden. Live the shabby-chic life you want. See the world with your friends and be sure to love Jesus while you're doing it.

There is another piece of me, as well. This Melanie is far too serious to deserve a sarcastic nickname. The desire to live for God, His Glory, and His Renown burns deep in my soul. This Melanie wants to move where ever God sends me, no questions asked. Yes, she has a degree and she may or may not use it. She wants to live life constantly seeking is face. She'd travel the world just to grow closer to Him. She would find a way to lead worship - her true, ultimate passion. She would work with orphans in foreign countries. She would shout the love of God from her soul to the world. Her life would be "wasted" in the eyes of the world because she'd have no true home, no roots. But she would be rich in love with Jesus. And that's all she'd ever need.

Is there a way to reconcile myself (or myselves)? Can I shove so much disfunction into one life? These are the times when I so desire my Jesus to have skin. I just want Him to wrap his arms around me and tell me what to do, tell me who to be. Sometimes, prayer feels so...uncertain. When something seem so frantic, we let our flesh take over and it demands an immediate answer. I don't know that I'll ever truly know exactly what to do ahead of time. I'm learning that trusting God is difficult but completely and totally the only option if you don't want to fall flat on your face. I wish I could tell you that I know what to do. I wish I could tell you that I've found comfort somewhere. But, alas, the control freak that I am is still doing what it does best...trying to control the situation. I learned a while ago that I should never try to deal with things myself. In the meantime, I'll try to be still. I know that God will give me the desires of my heart. In my case, He will also have to reveal my heart's desires as well. But I trust him and I refuse to run away. No matter what my fate, no matter what path God has laid out for me, it is my wholehearted prayer that He will be glorified. Because at the end of the day, I know that I would walk through fire for my Savior, for He endured much worse for me, and that is truly a God thing.

Sometimes you just needtobreathe...

Check out needtobreathe's new video for "Something Beautiful". The song just makes me feel happy. The video is stellar. Give it a go!

-M