The problem that I've been facing as of late is a paralyzing fear of the rest of my life. I'm completely and totally petrified of choosing a path. The odd part of the story is that I never questioned the path that I'm currently on. My entire life, I always wanted to be a teacher. The time has now come to do just that. My internship starts in about 2 weeks. Ready or not, here it comes. In the face of graduation, I stand trembling before God. Where do I go? What do I do now?
Modest Mel has the obvious answer. Move back in with Mom and Dad and find a job close to home teaching history - just like you've always wanted. Marry the guy with the house and the dog. Plant an herb garden in the backyard. Eventually, have a kid or two. Stability is key here. Live the perfect life. Raise perfect children. Attend the perfect church in the perfect town...I can't help but groan a bit when I think of how stable it all is. Where is the challenge? Where's the excitement? Where is the unpredictability?
Merry Mel is a little more care-free with her reply. Move to the big city with your friends. Don't let the college life end! Start a business doing something you love, something you know you'll be good at. Make good money - so much more than teaching! - and travel the world. Who cares if you never find the companionship you're looking for in your future husband. You've got Jesus and you've got your friends and, therefore, all you'll ever need. Buy an old house and fix it up. Plant wildflowers by the mailbox and hang lanterns in the back garden. Live the shabby-chic life you want. See the world with your friends and be sure to love Jesus while you're doing it.
There is another piece of me, as well. This Melanie is far too serious to deserve a sarcastic nickname. The desire to live for God, His Glory, and His Renown burns deep in my soul. This Melanie wants to move where ever God sends me, no questions asked. Yes, she has a degree and she may or may not use it. She wants to live life constantly seeking is face. She'd travel the world just to grow closer to Him. She would find a way to lead worship - her true, ultimate passion. She would work with orphans in foreign countries. She would shout the love of God from her soul to the world. Her life would be "wasted" in the eyes of the world because she'd have no true home, no roots. But she would be rich in love with Jesus. And that's all she'd ever need.
Is there a way to reconcile myself (or myselves)? Can I shove so much disfunction into one life? These are the times when I so desire my Jesus to have skin. I just want Him to wrap his arms around me and tell me what to do, tell me who to be. Sometimes, prayer feels so...uncertain. When something seem so frantic, we let our flesh take over and it demands an immediate answer. I don't know that I'll ever truly know exactly what to do ahead of time. I'm learning that trusting God is difficult but completely and totally the only option if you don't want to fall flat on your face. I wish I could tell you that I know what to do. I wish I could tell you that I've found comfort somewhere. But, alas, the control freak that I am is still doing what it does best...trying to control the situation. I learned a while ago that I should never try to deal with things myself. In the meantime, I'll try to be still. I know that God will give me the desires of my heart. In my case, He will also have to reveal my heart's desires as well. But I trust him and I refuse to run away. No matter what my fate, no matter what path God has laid out for me, it is my wholehearted prayer that He will be glorified. Because at the end of the day, I know that I would walk through fire for my Savior, for He endured much worse for me, and that is truly a God thing.
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