...Perhaps I should consult Him before I make plans.
So much has happened since I last spoke with you. On a completely related note, I hope to be more mindful in regularly posting. I'm so forgetful sometimes. But I spent a couple of hours revamping the blog. I hope you like the new look. Moving on...
I started a job in January at a local high school. When I accepted the job, I was so sure that it was going to be very internship-esque in nature. By that, I mean that I would come in, teach, and leave after my time was served. You see, my position was temporary. Only a semester long but long enough to put another bullet on my resume which was fine by me. But something happened... Overnight, before I had a chance to blink, I fell in love. I was completely enchanted by this little school. The students were respectful with wonderful senses of humor. The faculty embraced me with open arms. And the principal reminded me of my father.
Come May, I was growing depressed. I began to pray that God would help me find a school just like the wonderful place I had so quickly fallen in love with. I hoped against hope that they would be able to keep me around. But, alas, the day came when the administration approached my classroom door. I looked into the principal's eyes and asked, "It's time. Isn't it?" He replied with a meek, "Yes, Miss Dickerson. It is."
As I sat in my classroom looking into the eyes of two men I had grown to respect, I suddenly felt like a dark cloud was over me because I didn't know what was going to happen. Would I find another job? Would I love it as much as this one? And for any of you wondering, my pink slip was not pink. It was green. Highly disappointing? Yes. Still completely unwelcome? Absolutely.
So life has moved on since then. I was offered a job 3 hours from home. I accepted only to later resign after being approved by the Board. I still feel guilty about that. But between my pink slip and my resignation, something happened.
I chaperoned church camp for the youth at my church. It was in Dayton, TN at Bryan College. The camp was called New Camp. To be honest, I had a horrible attitude going in. I didn't really want to be there. And, honestly, at that point it was sort of a disappointing last hoo-rah for me since I still believed I would be moving 3 hours away to a job I had to convince myself I wanted. I would have much rather gone to our old church camp...at the beach.
It was a typical church camp in the woods. I was a glorified kid wrangler called a "rec leader" and led a huddle group of 16-18 year olds. There was a band with a speaker and some under-seasoned food. On the outside, it was all quite mediocre. It's what happened in my heart that made all the difference in the world.
The band leader, Erik Bledsoe, during a particularly passionate prayer said, "Thank you, God, for wrecking my plans." The control freak in me had a stroke. More on this later...
God showed me on the second night there that maybe everything seemed so dreary and hopeless because I had stopped expecting Him to show up. I was just going through the motions. I was praying and asking for God to bring me happiness, to bring me a job that I loved, to bring me a Godly husband. But I wasn't actually expecting Him to do it. I was convicted.
6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. -James 1: 6-8
Ouch. "Okay, Jesus. I get it." I was then brought to a point that I don't reach very often. God began to show me my depravity. The climax of it hit when a man named Erik Bledsoe sang a song based on the book of Hosea called "Come Back Home". Words cannot describe this song. Look it up. Now.
I began to beg God for reassurance that I was on the right path. And I expected a result. Something felt very off. When I arrived at home on Friday afternoon, I received a phone call from my apartment complex. I no longer had an apartment. This was the very opposite of reassurance. But it was good enough. I called my principal at my new school and resigned. He wasn't happy but I felt so liberated. He also didn't seem to appreciate the fact that I was quitting my job because "I don't think this is the path God wants me to take."
So here I am. I am again unemployed but more in sync with God and His plan for my life. I am more at peace now than I was when I had a job and a plan. So much of this year has been about God wrecking my plans. I make plans and God knocks them down. Six months ago, I would have been a total basket-case right here in this moment. But Christ in me makes me strong. I have nothing. I am nothing. I am zero without Jesus.
I know that God has a plan for me. As of yet, I am uninformed of said plan. I am learning to find hope in the unknown. Jesus could literally take me half way around the world between now and next week. Anything is possible. When we make ourselves available to be used by Jesus, that is when victories are won. When we expect Christ to deliver, He does. If we don't show up expecting to find Jesus, we won't. Faith is not about saying and praying one thing and displaying an attitude that illustrates something else. Faith is about hoping in what we cannot see. Jesus is at work all around us. Do we chose to believe it?
-M
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