Since accepting Christ in 2006, I find that this is the most difficult thing for me to do. I have struggled with it to the point of exhaustion. We - my Jesus and I - go through this vicious cycle of me trying to run my life to giving up and letting Him. Somehow, each time I seem to steal back aspects of my life little by little. Before I know it, I'm weeping on my knees because I have AGAIN placed the weight of the world on my own shoulders. How in the world do I continue to do this?
This should be the part where I tell you that I have overcome this obstacle, that I have finally relinquished control to my Heavenly Father, that I live free of any burden, that I have accepted that I have no control and am a better Follower for doing so. To say all of those things would be a terrible lie. I am struggling with it. Now, more than ever. I constantly fight for control of the things that make up my life and I can't explain why. It is the cross that I bear, my biggest struggle. The horrible thing is that I didn't see a problem with it for a very long time.
Jesus wants us to give Him control because he cares about us more than our minds could ever conceive. He wants to take up our burdens so that we never face the world alone. Not only that but He also points out that worrying does us no good. I, for one, have noticed the worrying goes hand-in-hand with being a control freak. How, then, is this issue relevant to my life currently? Let me just give you the rundown...
Graduation is upon us. Moving back in with parents. Brothers at basic training. Leaving a town I love. Leaving people I love. Not knowing what to expect back home. Realizing I thought I would be married by now. Giving up independence. Desperately searching for a job. Scraping together money so as not to relinquish afore mentioned independence. Wondering if I have found a possibility. Having no control over the emotions of others. Not knowing what the future holds.
The final issue is the most prominent and really sums up all the rest. I always hate not knowing. I'm the girl who starts a book trilogy on Monday and finishes by Wednesday because I just have to know. I sleep with my television on because I can't see in the dark. Google is my best friend because I JUST HAVE TO KNOW!
As I drove through downtown Auburn tonight after dinner, my friend presented me with a particular diamond of wisdom as the white lights draped in the trees twinkled behind her knowing face, the answer to the struggle that I've had since July. My current situation is a test. I've been praying for patience. The time is now. Will I pass or fail? If I pass, God is glorified, I grow in my Walk, and perhaps I get "something from Ware's", as my beloved Dr. Kicklighter would say. If I fail, then what? God is disappointed in the depraved creature that I am and perhaps I still marry. But what sort of life is a life lived without glorifying Yahweh?
I have come to a crossroads. Will I take the right path, the path where every decision is presented before God before it is made, the path where my every breath drips with praise? Or will I chose wrong? Will I give in to the control freak that I generally have difficulty controlling myself? I guess we'll just wait and see...
-M
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