Letting Go

Dear friends, I am a control freak. There it is. I'm putting it out there for all of the world to see. I don't exactly hide it but I don't generally go around, well, blogging about it either. Not having control over any aspect of my day, my dinner, my coffee, my life really makes me uncomfortable. I need to know everything about everything concerning my life.

Since accepting Christ in 2006, I find that this is the most difficult thing for me to do. I have struggled with it to the point of exhaustion. We - my Jesus and I - go through this vicious cycle of me trying to run my life to giving up and letting Him. Somehow, each time I seem to steal back aspects of my life little by little. Before I know it, I'm weeping on my knees because I have AGAIN placed the weight of the world on my own shoulders. How in the world do I continue to do this?

This should be the part where I tell you that I have overcome this obstacle, that I have finally relinquished control to my Heavenly Father, that I live free of any burden, that I have accepted that I have no control and am a better Follower for doing so. To say all of those things would be a terrible lie. I am struggling with it. Now, more than ever. I constantly fight for control of the things that make up my life and I can't explain why. It is the cross that I bear, my biggest struggle. The horrible thing is that I didn't see a problem with it for a very long time.

Jesus wants us to give Him control because he cares about us more than our minds could ever conceive. He wants to take up our burdens so that we never face the world alone. Not only that but He also points out that worrying does us no good. I, for one, have noticed the worrying goes hand-in-hand with being a control freak. How, then, is this issue relevant to my life currently? Let me just give you the rundown...

Graduation is upon us. Moving back in with parents. Brothers at basic training. Leaving a town I love. Leaving people I love. Not knowing what to expect back home. Realizing I thought I would be married by now. Giving up independence. Desperately searching for a job. Scraping together money so as not to relinquish afore mentioned independence. Wondering if I have found a possibility. Having no control over the emotions of others. Not knowing what the future holds.

The final issue is the most prominent and really sums up all the rest. I always hate not knowing. I'm the girl who starts a book trilogy on Monday and finishes by Wednesday because I just have to know. I sleep with my television on because I can't see in the dark. Google is my best friend because I JUST HAVE TO KNOW!

As I drove through downtown Auburn tonight after dinner, my friend presented me with a particular diamond of wisdom as the white lights draped in the trees twinkled behind her knowing face, the answer to the struggle that I've had since July. My current situation is a test. I've been praying for patience. The time is now. Will I pass or fail? If I pass, God is glorified, I grow in my Walk, and perhaps I get "something from Ware's", as my beloved Dr. Kicklighter would say. If I fail, then what? God is disappointed in the depraved creature that I am and perhaps I still marry. But what sort of life is a life lived without glorifying Yahweh?

I have come to a crossroads. Will I take the right path, the path where every decision is presented before God before it is made, the path where my every breath drips with praise? Or will I chose wrong? Will I give in to the control freak that I generally have difficulty controlling myself? I guess we'll just wait and see...

-M

Dragged Through the Wringer

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you feel like you're constantly gasping for air? Like you're drowning in some invisible ocean? You're paddling harder and harder but you just keep getting weaker and weaker from exertion. That perfectly describes the week I just had. I'm interning for my final semester at Auburn University. I have more work in my lap now than I ever thought was possible. However, I have to admit that this week from the "Hot Place" was of my own doing.

You see, what happens in the South when the Fall air begins to roll in and the leaves start to change and the humidity begins to lift is a little something I like to call Football Fever. I had it last Saturday. One of the worst cases I've ever had came upon me suddenly even though my to-do list was screaming for attention. I thought to myself, "Self, you've got so much to do...but football is on t.v. ALL DAY!" So I gave myself a little break from my daily grind or drowning in lesson plans to indulge in a little bit of the SEC's most beloved past time. And it was a good day. I ate some ribs that were cooked to perfection by a charming boy from Texas and ate some of my very own specialty, mac and cheese (homemade, of course). Every 30 minutes or so, I'd think about my to-do list and murmur to myself, "It can wait until tomorrow..."

That Sunday began as Sunday's normally do, with a hurried shower and thrown together make-up because I overslept my alarm for church. But I made it, with minutes to spare. Worship was exceptional at church last week so we all ventured out for some lunch with my to-do list still casting a foreboding shadow on my day. I procrastinated as long as possible until I finally just had to - excuse the expression - man up and do it.

I worked. Hard. All afternoon. I unfortunately left several things undone before Monday morning came screeching into my life like a Mack Truck in dire need of some new brake pads. You can probably guess what the rest of my week looked like because you've probably been there too at some point or another. All week, it was eat. work. sleep. eat. work. sleep. eat. work. sleep. I have never wished away a weeks as much as I did last week. But in all of it, how could I be so forgetful? I condensed my quiet time into a mere 5 minutes. I can't help but feel so disappointed in myself.

But then again, that's what happens when we rely on ourselves for our holiness. We are flawed creatures. We are depraved and eternally imperfect in our own efforts. We dig ourselves into this pit of darkness before we can even blink. How dare I forget about my Father? My Jesus gave me Hope, Life, Breath. Am I really so desperately flawed that I forget about Him? The answer, dear friends, is yes.

This past week was so busy that I never stopped to stop saying "I". "I have so much work to do; I have this to get finished." "I have that to turn in by Thursday." When I rely on me, my world gets thrown off kilter. If I had taken just a second to sit down and breathe and let God fill me up the way He always does, I would have realized that I didn't have to do it all by myself. He wants me to ask for help. He wants me to look up at Him like a child and say, "Father, will you please help me?"; "God will you take this from me?"; "My Jesus, will you show me how I can get this finished without jumping off of the balcony of my apartment first?".

I know that I often think of God as this huge creator of everything and then I think of God as the warmth that fills me up with more joy that one person could possibly contain. Why do I so often think of Him separately? He is the same God that created the stars. The Creator of my favorite beach is also the Creator of my soul. The God that formed the Sahara is the same God that chose, in spite of my depravity, to give me hope and a future. Praise Him!

So, I say to you, here's to a new week. May your days be long and productive and your nights be full of laughter and friends. I urge you to never forget that God cares about every part of you - even your broken fingernail. He wants you to talk to Him. So don't repeat my week long mistake. Take the joy that only He gives and let it fill you up this week.

-M

The Pieces of Me

Do you ever feel like there are 400 parts of yourself all being pulled in different directions simultaneously? The closer I get to graduating, the harder those parts are being pulled. It feels so final. Hello, Miss Dickerson! Have a bachelor's degree! Now, decide what you want to do with every moment for the rest of your life... Perhaps, I'm having what could be referred to as a "quarter life crisis". I've barely broken into my 20's and already I'm questioning my life thus far.

The problem that I've been facing as of late is a paralyzing fear of the rest of my life. I'm completely and totally petrified of choosing a path. The odd part of the story is that I never questioned the path that I'm currently on. My entire life, I always wanted to be a teacher. The time has now come to do just that. My internship starts in about 2 weeks. Ready or not, here it comes. In the face of graduation, I stand trembling before God. Where do I go? What do I do now?

Modest Mel has the obvious answer. Move back in with Mom and Dad and find a job close to home teaching history - just like you've always wanted. Marry the guy with the house and the dog. Plant an herb garden in the backyard. Eventually, have a kid or two. Stability is key here. Live the perfect life. Raise perfect children. Attend the perfect church in the perfect town...I can't help but groan a bit when I think of how stable it all is. Where is the challenge? Where's the excitement? Where is the unpredictability?

Merry Mel is a little more care-free with her reply. Move to the big city with your friends. Don't let the college life end! Start a business doing something you love, something you know you'll be good at. Make good money - so much more than teaching! - and travel the world. Who cares if you never find the companionship you're looking for in your future husband. You've got Jesus and you've got your friends and, therefore, all you'll ever need. Buy an old house and fix it up. Plant wildflowers by the mailbox and hang lanterns in the back garden. Live the shabby-chic life you want. See the world with your friends and be sure to love Jesus while you're doing it.

There is another piece of me, as well. This Melanie is far too serious to deserve a sarcastic nickname. The desire to live for God, His Glory, and His Renown burns deep in my soul. This Melanie wants to move where ever God sends me, no questions asked. Yes, she has a degree and she may or may not use it. She wants to live life constantly seeking is face. She'd travel the world just to grow closer to Him. She would find a way to lead worship - her true, ultimate passion. She would work with orphans in foreign countries. She would shout the love of God from her soul to the world. Her life would be "wasted" in the eyes of the world because she'd have no true home, no roots. But she would be rich in love with Jesus. And that's all she'd ever need.

Is there a way to reconcile myself (or myselves)? Can I shove so much disfunction into one life? These are the times when I so desire my Jesus to have skin. I just want Him to wrap his arms around me and tell me what to do, tell me who to be. Sometimes, prayer feels so...uncertain. When something seem so frantic, we let our flesh take over and it demands an immediate answer. I don't know that I'll ever truly know exactly what to do ahead of time. I'm learning that trusting God is difficult but completely and totally the only option if you don't want to fall flat on your face. I wish I could tell you that I know what to do. I wish I could tell you that I've found comfort somewhere. But, alas, the control freak that I am is still doing what it does best...trying to control the situation. I learned a while ago that I should never try to deal with things myself. In the meantime, I'll try to be still. I know that God will give me the desires of my heart. In my case, He will also have to reveal my heart's desires as well. But I trust him and I refuse to run away. No matter what my fate, no matter what path God has laid out for me, it is my wholehearted prayer that He will be glorified. Because at the end of the day, I know that I would walk through fire for my Savior, for He endured much worse for me, and that is truly a God thing.

Sometimes you just needtobreathe...

Check out needtobreathe's new video for "Something Beautiful". The song just makes me feel happy. The video is stellar. Give it a go!

-M

Grocery Lists

I have, as I'm sure everyone does, certain characteristics or things that I look for in guys. Some of them are pretty extreme, even irrational. But I wonder if this is just me being materialistic/vain/difficult or if I want these things for a reason. I know that whoever God has created for me will be attractive to me in every way. However, I cannot help but wonder if I will be disappointed, even just a little. There are certain things that I want because they will match my personality or my way of life. But what if I'm not supposed to want these things. What if I have asked too much of this person I don't even know? That's certainly not fair. What bothers me more is that in all of my internal debating, I am left with the feeling that I lack faith in Him, in God. He knows my every thought, my every desire.

I talked with a dear friend over coffee recently (how very college-y of us) about this whole "grocery list" issue. It's almost like I've made a mental checklist. I was comforted by the fact that she had too. On a side note, I hope that everyone has a friend like mine. I can talk to her about anything knowing that she will never judge me. If you don't have a friend in whom you can confide, find one. She has saved my sanity and encouraged me in my walk with Christ more times than I can tell you. Back to the task at hand...

I find myself meeting guys an writing them off if they don't meet these qualifications. I'm beginning to wonder if it is wrong to have this list. What if I've missed my husband somewhere in the middle? Just because he didn't play guitar or stand a dazzling 6 feet 2 inches tall (picky, I know)? I wonder who put these desires in my heart. Was it me or was it God? The Bible promises that He will give us the desires of our heart. He lives in us and creates these desires in us so that we might follow the path that he has set out for us so that we might grow closer to Him.

It was over coffee and a long conversation that I began to realize that I wouldn't want these things unless God wanted me to want them. (Did you follow that? hahaha) It is true He will give us the desires of our hearts because HE put them there. He is the one that has filled our hearts and our minds and our souls with hope. Jeremiah 29:11 says the He knows the plans He has for us. He will prosper us and not harm us, give us hope and a future. I am coming to believe that these nit-picky things that I so desire in my Beloved are there for a reason. It is these things that will tell me when I have found him. Then my lovely friend shared a story with me about one of her close family friends. This woman prayed for weeks and developed a list of qualities for her husband. She prayed and prayed over this list. God told her that she should not marry a man who did not meet each and every point on the list. One day, she met him. He met all of her criteria, God's criteria. She made this list by listening to the Almighty, by waiting for a certain quirk or quality to be placed on her heart so that she might add it to the list. You can imagine how the story ended.

This story gave me hope. God always gives us what we need. In that conversation with my friend, I needed encouragement. I needed to know that I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't just some silly girl dreaming about something she would never have. God is writing my love story. I am learning to trust Him with it more and more each day as I pray for my Husband and my future with him. Besides, who knows more about love than God?

-M

Introductions can be awkward...

I am just a girl. I'm quite ordinary. I go to school and have normal hopes for my life. I'm not quite sure what prompted me to start blogging about my life, my journey. But I do know that God has made me a promise. One day - I have no idea when - my future husband will pop into my life and fit there as if he were always there. However, for now, I am a single college student...quite ordinary...

But what about the in between? That's a fine question. I've prayed for my other half (without knowing anything about him, mind you) for about 2 and a 1/2 years now. Still my love life is as dry as Atlanta in mid-July. I sometimes find myself wondering out loud if I'm destined to live with 40 cats in an old house that's entirely too big for the old spinster who lives there. These are the times when God reminds me that He keeps His promises and I take comfort in that. I don't know when or how or where this mystery man will pop up. But this blog is the story of the journey.

I know that I can't be the only girl in the world who hopes for the husband God has promised her. This blog is meant to give encouragement to any girl (or guy) who is waiting patiently for their Love to waltz into their lives via a promise from El Shaddai, the Great I AM, the Living God. As I am a college student with a busy fall semester staring me in the face, this will most likely be inconsistent. But if you are following, thank you. I hope that you can relate to my journey.

I can't know for sure what this blog will be. However, I can tell you that it won't be a pity party. I don't need a significant other to make my life complete. I have Christ in my heart and an ever-growing relationship with God which is all I need in this world to keep breathing. Most recently, I began to feel like God wants me to be content with my life as it is. I need to be satisfied with what He has given me here and now. I feel that I'm getting there. This should probably be the part where I tell you that I am the most impatient person you'll ever meet. I struggle with patience - which is, consequently, what we focused on in Sunday School this week (A wise person once told me that God gives us what we need and it stuck with me). I have an issue with deciding that I want thing and then wanting them instantly. If I order my usual skinny vanilla latte, tall at Starbucks, I need it right then. It should be ready by the time I reach the little counter where they call out your name. This life is a whole other level of impatient. If I'm cruising up I-65 and I have to turn off my cruise control because someone is going to slow in front of me, I immediately begin to yell at the person because they can obviously hear me. Patience is not my forte.

So here we are. I am so glad you've stumbled into my world. Let us embark together on this journey. I hope you can find my words something of value. Perhaps, you'll take comfort in the fact that you aren't alone. I am waiting for my Beloved as well.