Sometimes, my heart feels like it's breaking. We've all experienced heart ache from various causes. Maybe your dog died. Maybe your boyfriend turned out to be an inconsiderate jerk - who knew what was hiding behind that great head of hair? Maybe a loved one is being shipped half way across the world to protect your freedom and the freedom of those who don't quite appreciate him. As for me? I get caught up in my own depravity. I struggle with my past sins and the sins that I know I will inevitably commit. We are a fallen creation. We are not perfect. Our only hope is in Christ. Sometimes, I just feel sad that I can't be everything my Jesus deserves. It breaks my heart that I can't go a day without wanting what I don't have, judging someone's terrible fashion decisions, or anything else that is conveniently not coming to mind.
Do you ever just feel helpless? I was feeling that was earlier today. It's a feeling that never really goes away. It just sort of hangs out, buried deep down somewhere. It'll pop up at times when I'm feeling tired or annoyed or sad for some other reason. Today, it came on quickly. And today, it also sort of makes me angry at myself. I know that no matter how hard I try, I'll never quite be able to be completely pleasing to my Jesus 100% of the time. I felt broken down and weak.
About a month ago, my dear friend, whom I've known since 1st grade, lent me a copy of My Utmost for His Highest. I read it a bit and really enjoyed it. As with most books I borrow, however, after a couple of weeks, it laid all but forgotten next to my Kindle. Except today. Tonight as I was listening to Crowder and praying (writing in my journal...it helps me keep my thoughts cohesive), I thought of that little book. So after Jesus and I had finished discussion my latest crises, I picked up the book and turned to today's reading. And I was reminded of my worth.
God, in His infinite wisdom, created us knowing full-well that we would be exactly what we are. As Crowder says, "There's darkness in my skin...". God knew we'd separate ourselves from Him. But chose to breathe life into our unworthy lungs anyways. I was reminded as I read Oswald Chambers musings that I am not here to feel good about myself. I'm not here to wallow in my own self-pity. Yes. I'm depraved. Okay. Move on. We are the most effective for the Kingdom when we are just living our lives. We're going to mess up. Yet, as Mr. Chambers so thoughtfully reminded me, "Blessed are the poor in spirit..." (Matthew 5: 3). I was reminded THEN of a series at my church in Auburn on the Beatitudes. When Jesus says "blessed", he means, "I am with you!" So when we come to a point where we feel spiritually drained, Jesus is there! Blessed are we in those times!
No, we will never be able to be everything that Jesus deserves in his followers. This is where mercy and grace come in. I forget this part too often. He gives us strength in our weakness. He fulfills us and makes us perfect in him. If we could make ourselves perfect, we'd have no need for the beautiful love of Christ. Next time I think about having a pity party, I will do well to remember that we are the biggest impact on this world when we aren't evaluating our worth, when I'm not wondering if I'm making any difference at all.
My job in this life is to live and carry the Name. It's really not all that complicated. I'll let Jesus worry about the rest.
